My Beautiful Messy Life...

What is this sticky stuff?
Aaahh I need a break!!
Tear tear, I miss them so much!!
What is happening?! Who am I?
Thank you God, I'm so blessed!
God grant me the patience...

Yep there are basically a million sentiments I'm feeling every single day when it comes to being a mother to my beautiful boys. I honestly feel like I'm a crazy person because I'm emotional roller coaster. Anyone that knows me probably knows that I want it all. Here's the crazy part... I think I can actually have it. I want to be the mother that can go to work and be a successful career woman, have many dates with my hubby and be a good wife, and work out enough to be a hot mama, and have oodles of time with my babies where we play and embrace eachother as they tell me how much they love.
Reality Check: I'm a mother who does love my job but shows up to work with an extra large coffee in hopes that one day I'll get a raise- not to be a successful career woman- but to be able to afford putting two kids in daycare. My husband and I have maybe 2 dates a month, pretty good right?!, but one usually consists of us sitting in front of a nice restaurant where I then convince my husband to go to McDonalds so we can eat quick and get some sleep because the week has kicked out butts. My work outs at home usually consist of Brayden crawling on my back as I try and do push ups till I eventually start laughing and then hurt myself, so I end up watching Ellen and shoving some chocolate in my mouth. And my time with my babies usually consist of me telling them how much I love them, Caleb throws up on me and Brayden slaps me in the face (That was a great day)
So...to any people that wonder why my emotional status is that of someone who has recently left the ward, those are the reasons. But I admit it, put me in a straitjacket, because I am CRAZY. But I'm crazy about this dysfunctional life I lead. I left the house this morning for church and peaked into the living room and it honestly looked like a tornado had hit from the morning play session. My mind said...we'll have to clean this up when we get home, but my heart took over and a smile came over my face. That space was full of love. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. That living room represented my crazy messy beautiful life and LORD I couldn't feel more blessed. THANK YOU!
P.S. I of course came home and tripped on some Lego and almost cut my foot. Parenthood..
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If only I was a Slinky...

ACCK! So today I fell down the stairs. For any of you that know me well, you're probably giggling and  thinking..."Not surprising Steph, you're kind of a klutz". Here's the thing, I had Caleb and Brayden both in my arms. We usually have a stair system, but Brayden started playing on the stairs so I just picked him up. It actually was terrifying. It was one of the first times that mommy instinct came over me physically. I felt like I went sledding down the stairs and it was all slow motion. I remember trying to keep my arms elevated enough in hopes that the boys wouldn't get hurt.  Here's the thing, no matter what you try to do with your body, if you're going down, the little ones are going down too.
GOOD NEWS!! Everyone was okay. I'm pretty sure I let out a huge yell at the bottom of the stairs and I could not manage to get up, so that sure didn't help my poor babies. But physically they were okay. I think I checked their bodies over like 10 times, making sure each hair was exactly where it was before. I really can't believe how much it scared me and yet how little control I had over their well being for a split moment.
As I thought about it for the rest of day, I realized how it was an incredible metaphor for parenting as a whole. Often times we put ourselves second to such an extent that we don't notice ourselves losing our balance. And once we fall, we may not be in full control and we become aware of how much it affects our children. I notice it sometimes when Brayden has been testing me all morning and instead of taking 5 minutes for myself to unwind and breath and process it, I make myself believe I'm super mom and suck it up. Not more than 5 minutes later I've over reacted and Brayden is in timeout because he had snot on his face. Alright...perhaps that exact example hasn't happened, but you get my point.
These kids...these babies...these humans...they are completely dependent on us. It's a whole new responsibility that shocks me probably once a week because it's completely unrealistic that a human should raise another human, isn't it? Shouldn't God himself be helping my children go down the stairs!!
It's such an incredible gift but this experience really reminded me that I'm a mother, and even the smallest things like going and down stairs have whole new meanings. As a mother I also need to make sure that I'm okay as a person, as a wife, as a woman, to make sure that my babies have a person who is stable and ready to be their guide, otherwise I might lose my balance and the fall might be painful to both myself and my family.
So that's what I'm working on personally...as for the stairs and the boys...don't worry it's not like I'll make them wear a helmet or anything when they go down the stairs...just maybe knee pads...maybe elbow pads...alright alright and a mouth guard ;)
P.S. I'm thinking my butt will be a lovely shade of purple tomorrow.